Fear.

12 Days till I return home again. I haven't wanted anything more than this in quite some time. Being here, as much as I disliked it, made me a bit stronger. I know I haven't made most of my stay here, but the reason behind this is emotional. Its been nearly 4 months since I have left home. 4 months since I've eaten an authentic Filipino homemade meal. 4 months since I've seen the faces of the ones I love. This has been the longest 4 months of my life.

It's quite interesting how time flies when you don't want it to, and how time seems to halt itself when the days run foul.

I know my parents had my best interest in mind when they sent me here for my education, but it just hasn't worked out for me. I did all I can to try to accept and adapt to it here, however; all my efforts were not enough.

After the Christmas break, I have another 4 months to spend here. Those 4 months will seem even longer during the eye-numbing winter. It will be difficult to pass my time during the days it will be -20 degrees. After that, I am returning home once again.

As some may be aware, I am reapplying to Ateneo, but I fear I wont be as lucky as I was the previous time. I know what I need to do, I've done it successfully before. There is one problem though... My grades. In Enderun, I got grades that gave me hope. My grades here are not as pleasing, not pleasing at all if I were to be completely honest. If my current grades cannot get me into Ateneo, I fear that it wont get me into anywhere. If I don't get accepted into any university, my only choice is to come back. Not one bit of me wants to come back here.

I exhausted all my mental resources last time I applied. I used all I could on the required essay. The exam, I got lucky. Im afraid I wont be as lucky as I was last time.

If I don't get admitted into Ateneo, I'm trying to get admitted into La Salle. La Salle isn't a bad school, but everything other than Ateneo right now seems to be only second best to me. Its not that I don't think is a fantastic school, but after exhausting my blood, sweat and tears into Ateneo the last time, I don't think anything else will seem up to par.

This move was intended to be for my benefit, but I don't see its rewards. My grades are going down, and its not because I'm not trying, its because I can't work with this system. I strongly believe that the education I had back home was the one wherein I can succeed, but now that it was taken away from me, I fear that I can never get that back.

3 months down, 1 to go.

I find it quite surprising how just a single thought can linger in the back of one's mind for 3 months. This thought's birth was the day of my departure from the Philippine islands. These 3 months have been the longest 3 months of my life. The weeks are passing quicker than they were before, but its still not quick enough.

I have 1 month left to spend here and it has already been 3 months too long. All my feelings can be summed up in 5 words, "I WANT TO GO HOME!". Its as simple as that. I'm not meant to be here. I may have said this before, but it has been going off in my head for 3 months. if you dont want to read it anymore, then this is the place to stop.

First off, im doing poorly in school. Its not because i choose to, its because its not working out for me here. Not a single damn bit. Isn't university supposed to be the place where people should be there best? shouldn't a school fit the student just as much as the student fits the school? not here. not in brock. not for me. The way the universities work here doesn't work for me. I know i'd do so much better in a system that is familiar to me. I may be applying back to a school back home, but the grades i have to show for here, it seems it'll be too late for any form of salvation for me.

second, i am pretty sure i am a social outcast here. I dont want to be here, so i put in a lot of effort to keep in contact with the people at home. People here are okay.. but i can't be myself around some people here. that doesn't help me grow. that restricts me. and i am not willing to change the way i am just to fit in with the people here. if they are willing to change themselves to fit in, then let them lie to themselves. It seems that there are quite a few people who do so anyways. I refuse to compromise myself for friendship.

Third, i just hate it here. Its not home. Its not worth it. its as simple as that.

simply titled.. FML!!

i had 3 interesting conversations today.. One with Miguel Sioco who is a really good friend of mine who moved to the USA after high school. Another with Cezanne Villafuerte a good old friend of mine. And another with Michael Smith, a friend who moved here for university as well.
i've been talking to miguel a lot lately and we've been sharing our thoughts and feelings of leaving home and to cut things short, we hate it more than anything. When i talked to Cez, i just remembered home so much.. i was going through all my memories and faces of all my friends back at home. With mike, we talked about moving to another school. i told him that, and i quote myself, "i dont care where i graduate anymore, as long as i do".
right now.. i know care about a lot of things anymore.. I mean, im here pretty much against my will. Going to class is just something i do so i wont feel like an ass when i take the exam. I dont do it because its my future, or because i want to learn. I just pretty much dont give a rat's ass about this anymore. class is what i now like to think of as a formality.
i'm hating every single damn moment i spend here! im seriously rotting in front of my computer. After class, back to the room. on the weekends, i stay in the room. I dont want to go out and mingle. i dont want to go out and party and get myself drunk. I stay in front of this computer of mine to keep in touch with the people at home. even if its 3am there, i wait. nothing here motivates me to do anything. YES, i am being antisocial! i like being antisocial here! its worth more than anything else i do here. i just really couldn't care less about this hell hole. the only place i wanna get to is OUT! crying is now a norm for me. my tears are of depression as well as anger. i haven't been unhappier than i am now. the worst thing is, i can't do anything about it. i am pretty much stuck in this rut of trash for a long time. all i can say is.. oh well.. f*ck it.
need i say more?

The "What Ifs" and "Would Haves"

OK.. yes.. still homesick.. eff that.. can't get over that! it'll be wrong to try to fight it, but its wrong to let it control me. I dont know what to do with all this shit thrown at me.

As you can see from the title of this entry, I am still thinking "what if?" or "this is how it would've been". Lets start with my main regret. Ateneo.. I really wanted to go to that school. Some may think I only wanted to go there only to be with Paula. Well, you're wrong. I showed interest in transferring to that school even before we became a couple. Going to the same school as here would be a major perk. It would be more than awesome! but what attracted me to ateneo was the tradition, spirit and pride you can't get from many other schools. Not only that, I am positive the education there is above par. Now, I wonder.. WHAT IF i went there? I could be home, doing work I'd be proud of. I worked my ass to the bone to get accepted. Everything im doing here is out of formalities sake.. no heart, no mind put into my work. There is no motivation here. I cannot say I am a proud student of this university. Being here is something I have no pride in. I see the pride in other people, but i cannot feed off them.

I WOULD HAVE been proud of my school if I went to ateneo. I WOULD HAVE done my work with pride and gusto. as i said, I worked my ASS off to get into that school and I DID! taking that away from me was SHIT!! its almost like an architect lost his blueprint, like a navigator lost his map, like a parent lost his child!! something you wanted so much, something you would've loved taken away from you?

tell me honestly, how would I feel? I feel.. LOST, ROBBED, DEPRESSED and RAGED.

I'm here by Mistake!

I've been here for about a month now, and I can say its waaaay different than back home. Weather is quite the opposite, the people are differently cultured, schooling system is quite confusing and the lifestyle is just not for me.
I was told that the schooling here is better, but honestly I am not impressed. They say a person has a better future if they've studied here, that could be wrong.
In my classes, i meet a few people and get to tell them that Im from the Philippines and they're usually caught off guard when I mention that. Some say "oh thats cool", some times I get the question "why did you come all the way here?". I answer all their questions with joy, but I also got this question that really made me think hard about a lot of things.. people ask me "do they speak english there?" or.. "how come your english is so good?". As a person who came here for an education, I got quite insulted. Maybe the word Insulted isn't the right one, but can anyone think of a better word?
University is supposed to prepare you for the world, but university here prepares you for here. I was told that a university here would prepare me for international issues/events or whatever, but i was given the wrong information. I learned more about the world back in the Philippines than Im learning here so far. In one class, I am studying the effects of pollution here in Canada... what about the rest of the world? In one class, I am studying the popular culture of Canada... what about the rest of the world? It seems its the Philippines that looks at things from an international standpoint. Oh well..
I find it funny how lots of people come to this country for many different reasons, but the country doesn't know much about the rest of the world? Can someone seriously tell me why this is? I've been put here by mistake, thats all I can say.

High School Never Ends? Wrong..

I've heard the phrase "high school never ends" countless times already. Whenever I do hear or read this phrase, I remember high school and how much I messed up. If you were my classmate in grade school, i was doing pretty well! getting good grades and not getting into any serious trouble. If you were my classmate in freshmen year of HS, then you'd know how much i started to screw up. I got lazy and stubborn. Homework was only something I do when I get to school and seatworks just mean "hey! seatmate, lets help each other!".

2ND year wasn't a great year for me either. I was just coming out of the foreigners class, which they just abolished! which means getting used to new classmates and all. I didn't like most of my teachers and I'm sure they didn't like me too much either.

3rd Year/Junior Year! oh.. my.. god.. i threw this year around like an old pathetic doll! I had so much fun in the classroom rather than actually paying attention to the lecture. I failed my Filipino class 3 out 4 times that year.. I failed English terribly once! the 3rd quarter of that year was hell!! I did absolutely nothing for my academics.. I didn't pay an ounce of attention, i never handed in my homeworks or seatworks and I treated my exams like they were rubbish! that was the quarter I failed Filipino and English at the same time! haha! My class adviser, Mr. Rey Arawag, said that he did some research on me! he said that I was a good boy in grade school and that when I got into High School, I started on a downhill adventure! sooo... 4th quarter came.. i did a little better! enough for me to be promoted to my Senior Year!! oh yeah! haha!

Senior Year was finally here! this time I just knew I had to make up, and so I did! I did all that I could cause I knew that university was my next stage in life! I had the best class adviser that anyone could ask for, Mr. Bobby Libao! I had a great line up of teachers and I had awesome awesome classmates. 4I was my class! and I love them to death! this was without a doubt the best class I ever had! I formed a bond with 5 other great people who I will love all the way to my grave! and a lot more people who I will cherish for the rest of my life as well! I had the right set of friends, the right set of teachers and I was on the right track! My grades were never better! there was one thing sort of slowing me down from enjoying my senior year to the fullest, but I wont get into detail about that. anyways.. I was doing great with friends and grades! I even became the student teacher for my Physics class! I got a few awards for football..

and so we return to the serious part again... I know I would've done much better than I had done back in High School! there would've been so many things I'd change about myself, its crazy! If high school never did end, then that would give me enough time to change a lot of things! I cherish a lot of memories and people from high school, but there is still that bug that biting me in the back of my head telling me, "you're an ass for not taking it seriously!". I've made too many decisions that I regret. If there would be any chance that I could change part of my high school life, I would grab it by the balls!

You might call it Emo, I call it Serious

So.. I've just been doing a lot and a lot of thinking since i have nothing else to do for 2 months. well, there has been this thought that has been dancing around my not so filled brain. I came to realize that am pretty much good for nothing.. I have no special talent or skill that can get me anywhere. I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't play the piano or tell you the value of Pi to the Nth decimal place. Those who know me are probably thinking "oh, you're a good soccer player" well.. I'm not good enough. that's the truth. I can't even decide what i want to do with my hell-stricken life. I've been a Jack of all trades, but never the King or the Ace. If you've been through this phase, you'll know how terrible I feel right now.

Pretty much all my friends know what they want to do for careers and whatnot. I, on the other hand, have no god damn clue of what to make of my life. I have 4 years of university to look forward to ( but I'm not looking forward to it at all ). I should know what i want with my life by now! i mean, this is the point where i choose what road to take and all that corny and cliche life metaphors. I can just see it now! I'll be working at a job that pays next to nothing and I'll be living miserably. oh well... i guess I'll see how this plays out for me.. wish me luck and a lot more..

Traffic, Redjuice, Pan de Sal, Iced Tea and Buuuugs!

this day was a day where Chewy and I made a lot of humor and terror-filled memories out of boredom and extreme desperation for amusement.

Chewy came over to my house around just after the hour of noon after his class. We were going to meet up with our good friend shaun who was going to get his first REAL TATTOO! (kudos to you bud, I'm next). So before we left the house to pick up my Pau (MY Pau!), we passed by waltermart for a bit. So we were falling behind schedule and we rushed to the car. I then realized that I didn't have my iTrip. Me and chewy cannot remain sane without the iTrip, especially in traffic. AND IT WAS TRAFFIC!!!!

so we got on the highway, making our way to Sucat to pick up MY PAU and were backed up alllll the way to the merville exit. Soooo we decided to take what chewy dubbed the "scenic route" which was a little longer, but it was moving. Along the way we saw a Redjuice ad that said "DEATH BEGINS IN THE COLON" and we just started laughing and laughing until we decided to take a photo. OH! i did mention we didn't have the iTrip, so we had to settle for the preset radio stations and we stuck to AT40 hosted by Nick Canon on Magic 89.9! anyways... so we made our way thru the scenic route and we got thirsty! so we stopped at a 7/11 to get some iced tea and picnic! and we got the 1.5L of iced tea EACH! haha! and we were on our way yet again.

all of a sudden i mention Spanish bread, then we both started craving for Spanish bread. We stopped at this bakery that chewy knows BUT THEY HAD NO SPANISH BREAD! tae! so we just got pan de sal and pan de coco for the Cruz family! *great thinking, Ton! w00t* and we made our way yet again for one more time once more. LOL! 

When we weren't too far from Sucat, we were stuck at a light for some time. I noticed this bug on my dashboard, and i start screaming like a little girl! and chewy starts screaming and not knowing why. I then point out the bug, then Chewy starts screaming his lungs out as well! He tried throwing the cover of the Picnic that we bought in 7/11, but it didn't budge! so i grab a flashlight that i keep around and squuuiiiissssh the bug! and then we were left in laughter realizing how silly we were. *segue* if you know me and chewy well enough, WE HATE BUGS! WE HATE THEM HATE THEM HATE THEM! *return* so then a mosquito flies infront of the both of us and we freak out yet again! then we quickly come to our senses and see that it was just a mosquito that we can kill, but we didn't. After that, we once again realize how silly and un-manly we were. haha!

and after 2 hours of driving and 2 bottles of iced tea later, we reached MY Pau's house! :D yey! and we made our way back to makati to meet up with Shaun! after 2 bottles of 1.5 iced tea, we forgot to use the bathroooom! and that was a baaaad mistake! anyways! point of this blog: "memories can be made out of nothing" although it was a tough drive, it was worth it! Chewy and I will have lots to talk about when grow older! hahahaha!

Oh Canada...

I dont know the rest of the lyrics to the anthem, i guess i have to know it since im moving there...

yes yes, im moving to canada in 3 months for University.

so here's the story..

when i was in enderun, i decided that i wanted to move schools. I applied to Ateneo here in the Philippines and to Brock University and UWO in canada. I worked my ass off to get into AdMU and I DID!!! so when the news came i was thrilled to the most superlative extent. I confirmed with the school, handed in all the paper work except one. Then... i got news from Brock University, and i got accepted. The thing is, my parents said that if I got into AdMU i would continue my education there... NOW! i'm going to brock..

Its like i worked so hard for AdMU and i wont be able to flaunt it by studying there. im not bragging or anything, but they only got 43 students out of 1000+ as transferees.. thats gotta mean something...

right now. im in a serious state of denial and bordering depression. i dont want to leave at all

if you wanna do me a favor, tie me down, chain me down, do whatever it is you can to keep me here... PLEASE!