The "What Ifs" and "Would Haves"

OK.. yes.. still homesick.. eff that.. can't get over that! it'll be wrong to try to fight it, but its wrong to let it control me. I dont know what to do with all this shit thrown at me.

As you can see from the title of this entry, I am still thinking "what if?" or "this is how it would've been". Lets start with my main regret. Ateneo.. I really wanted to go to that school. Some may think I only wanted to go there only to be with Paula. Well, you're wrong. I showed interest in transferring to that school even before we became a couple. Going to the same school as here would be a major perk. It would be more than awesome! but what attracted me to ateneo was the tradition, spirit and pride you can't get from many other schools. Not only that, I am positive the education there is above par. Now, I wonder.. WHAT IF i went there? I could be home, doing work I'd be proud of. I worked my ass to the bone to get accepted. Everything im doing here is out of formalities sake.. no heart, no mind put into my work. There is no motivation here. I cannot say I am a proud student of this university. Being here is something I have no pride in. I see the pride in other people, but i cannot feed off them.

I WOULD HAVE been proud of my school if I went to ateneo. I WOULD HAVE done my work with pride and gusto. as i said, I worked my ASS off to get into that school and I DID! taking that away from me was SHIT!! its almost like an architect lost his blueprint, like a navigator lost his map, like a parent lost his child!! something you wanted so much, something you would've loved taken away from you?

tell me honestly, how would I feel? I feel.. LOST, ROBBED, DEPRESSED and RAGED.