thoughts.

some people may know that i have reapplied to Ateneo, for the 2nd time. i did so last year when i was studying in Enderun, my chances were pretty good and successfully got admitted. Now, i don't think i have much of a chance. My grades are terrible, no one is capable of giving me a good recommendation, i can't write my essay and i just don't have much of support from some people.

some may see this as a wrong move. some say education is better here. they say i'd have a better life if i study here. i say thats bullshit. true, the economy and government are better here. life may be better when it comes to that aspect. Education isn't the same, thats for sure. I can't say its better here. the system they run on isn't the best for learning. Lectures are huge. way to big for the professors to know anyone's faces. Then we have the much smaller seminars. No, we still don't get the professors. We get TA's or Teacher Assistants. They are not professors. They are not professionals. They are different from the professors. I'd rather have lecture and seminar at the same time. This way, we learn consistently. not from 2 different people who teaches in different ways and may even say different things. its confusing and disorientating. needless to say.. i am having the most difficult time learning anything at all.

with my grades the way they are. i doubt i'll be able to get admitted into Ateneo again. Its as if i'm holding on to the false hope of me getting in once again. odds were against me last time, this time around it seems i have no chance at all.

my choice is to reapply to Ateneo was not based on emotion, but based on experience. I am learning next to nothing with the education system here. it's impossible. call me a coward or anything you want, but i want my university degree and i want to get it in a place i know i will learn from. not a place i was told i would learn from.

im afraid its too late.

i am afraid that my future would be compromised.

if i wanna make anyone proud, i wanna do it the way i know i can do it. not the way they tell me.

7 Days.. part 1

I am home, but not for much longer. 7 days and then I return to Canada. I return to sadness, enmity and loneliness. Not one bit of me wants to return. I have no purpose to return there and no desire to do so. Just a recap. When I'm in Canada, all I do is sit in my dorm and count the days till I come back. Each day is just crap! a good day consists of good conversations from people on Yahoo Messenger, MSN or Skype! Thats all I want to do! Keep in touch with home! Nothing is more important to me than home. Being in Canada has just been too tough on me. Call me a wuss or a weakling and I wont give a damn! thats who I am.

I had a conversation with my parents a few days ago about moving back here. I want to move back not because of my love interest, but because I am not learning anything in Canada! What would be the use of going to a university if I'm not learning from it? My dad said I gave up too early on Canada. Its ironic, cause I feel it's too late now. To get into the school of my choice here would be nearly impossible now. My grades are low, and I don't think there is anything I can do to make them any better. Even with all the motivation I have, what I can do is not enough. Its just not working for me. Things work too differently there.

Another thing that has been bugging me is that so many of my friends know what they want to be and I don't. Doctors, Businessmen, Musicians, Teachers or Chefs. My friends know what they want! how come I don't? It kills me everyday that I don't know what I want my future to be! The scary part is, part of me doesn't care anymore. I'm turning 20 in a few months, I should be thinking of the future, but I can't. Right now, I know my future is going to be a fruitful one. I'm in a school that I hate. It's going to be nearly impossible to get into the school I want here. If I don't get into that one, then I won't get into other schools as well. If I don't get into these schools, then I'd have to stay in the one I hate. As of now, my future doesn't get my excited. As of now, I don't care about my future.