Fear.

12 Days till I return home again. I haven't wanted anything more than this in quite some time. Being here, as much as I disliked it, made me a bit stronger. I know I haven't made most of my stay here, but the reason behind this is emotional. Its been nearly 4 months since I have left home. 4 months since I've eaten an authentic Filipino homemade meal. 4 months since I've seen the faces of the ones I love. This has been the longest 4 months of my life.

It's quite interesting how time flies when you don't want it to, and how time seems to halt itself when the days run foul.

I know my parents had my best interest in mind when they sent me here for my education, but it just hasn't worked out for me. I did all I can to try to accept and adapt to it here, however; all my efforts were not enough.

After the Christmas break, I have another 4 months to spend here. Those 4 months will seem even longer during the eye-numbing winter. It will be difficult to pass my time during the days it will be -20 degrees. After that, I am returning home once again.

As some may be aware, I am reapplying to Ateneo, but I fear I wont be as lucky as I was the previous time. I know what I need to do, I've done it successfully before. There is one problem though... My grades. In Enderun, I got grades that gave me hope. My grades here are not as pleasing, not pleasing at all if I were to be completely honest. If my current grades cannot get me into Ateneo, I fear that it wont get me into anywhere. If I don't get accepted into any university, my only choice is to come back. Not one bit of me wants to come back here.

I exhausted all my mental resources last time I applied. I used all I could on the required essay. The exam, I got lucky. Im afraid I wont be as lucky as I was last time.

If I don't get admitted into Ateneo, I'm trying to get admitted into La Salle. La Salle isn't a bad school, but everything other than Ateneo right now seems to be only second best to me. Its not that I don't think is a fantastic school, but after exhausting my blood, sweat and tears into Ateneo the last time, I don't think anything else will seem up to par.

This move was intended to be for my benefit, but I don't see its rewards. My grades are going down, and its not because I'm not trying, its because I can't work with this system. I strongly believe that the education I had back home was the one wherein I can succeed, but now that it was taken away from me, I fear that I can never get that back.