thoughts.

some people may know that i have reapplied to Ateneo, for the 2nd time. i did so last year when i was studying in Enderun, my chances were pretty good and successfully got admitted. Now, i don't think i have much of a chance. My grades are terrible, no one is capable of giving me a good recommendation, i can't write my essay and i just don't have much of support from some people.

some may see this as a wrong move. some say education is better here. they say i'd have a better life if i study here. i say thats bullshit. true, the economy and government are better here. life may be better when it comes to that aspect. Education isn't the same, thats for sure. I can't say its better here. the system they run on isn't the best for learning. Lectures are huge. way to big for the professors to know anyone's faces. Then we have the much smaller seminars. No, we still don't get the professors. We get TA's or Teacher Assistants. They are not professors. They are not professionals. They are different from the professors. I'd rather have lecture and seminar at the same time. This way, we learn consistently. not from 2 different people who teaches in different ways and may even say different things. its confusing and disorientating. needless to say.. i am having the most difficult time learning anything at all.

with my grades the way they are. i doubt i'll be able to get admitted into Ateneo again. Its as if i'm holding on to the false hope of me getting in once again. odds were against me last time, this time around it seems i have no chance at all.

my choice is to reapply to Ateneo was not based on emotion, but based on experience. I am learning next to nothing with the education system here. it's impossible. call me a coward or anything you want, but i want my university degree and i want to get it in a place i know i will learn from. not a place i was told i would learn from.

im afraid its too late.

i am afraid that my future would be compromised.

if i wanna make anyone proud, i wanna do it the way i know i can do it. not the way they tell me.

7 Days.. part 1

I am home, but not for much longer. 7 days and then I return to Canada. I return to sadness, enmity and loneliness. Not one bit of me wants to return. I have no purpose to return there and no desire to do so. Just a recap. When I'm in Canada, all I do is sit in my dorm and count the days till I come back. Each day is just crap! a good day consists of good conversations from people on Yahoo Messenger, MSN or Skype! Thats all I want to do! Keep in touch with home! Nothing is more important to me than home. Being in Canada has just been too tough on me. Call me a wuss or a weakling and I wont give a damn! thats who I am.

I had a conversation with my parents a few days ago about moving back here. I want to move back not because of my love interest, but because I am not learning anything in Canada! What would be the use of going to a university if I'm not learning from it? My dad said I gave up too early on Canada. Its ironic, cause I feel it's too late now. To get into the school of my choice here would be nearly impossible now. My grades are low, and I don't think there is anything I can do to make them any better. Even with all the motivation I have, what I can do is not enough. Its just not working for me. Things work too differently there.

Another thing that has been bugging me is that so many of my friends know what they want to be and I don't. Doctors, Businessmen, Musicians, Teachers or Chefs. My friends know what they want! how come I don't? It kills me everyday that I don't know what I want my future to be! The scary part is, part of me doesn't care anymore. I'm turning 20 in a few months, I should be thinking of the future, but I can't. Right now, I know my future is going to be a fruitful one. I'm in a school that I hate. It's going to be nearly impossible to get into the school I want here. If I don't get into that one, then I won't get into other schools as well. If I don't get into these schools, then I'd have to stay in the one I hate. As of now, my future doesn't get my excited. As of now, I don't care about my future.

Fear.

12 Days till I return home again. I haven't wanted anything more than this in quite some time. Being here, as much as I disliked it, made me a bit stronger. I know I haven't made most of my stay here, but the reason behind this is emotional. Its been nearly 4 months since I have left home. 4 months since I've eaten an authentic Filipino homemade meal. 4 months since I've seen the faces of the ones I love. This has been the longest 4 months of my life.

It's quite interesting how time flies when you don't want it to, and how time seems to halt itself when the days run foul.

I know my parents had my best interest in mind when they sent me here for my education, but it just hasn't worked out for me. I did all I can to try to accept and adapt to it here, however; all my efforts were not enough.

After the Christmas break, I have another 4 months to spend here. Those 4 months will seem even longer during the eye-numbing winter. It will be difficult to pass my time during the days it will be -20 degrees. After that, I am returning home once again.

As some may be aware, I am reapplying to Ateneo, but I fear I wont be as lucky as I was the previous time. I know what I need to do, I've done it successfully before. There is one problem though... My grades. In Enderun, I got grades that gave me hope. My grades here are not as pleasing, not pleasing at all if I were to be completely honest. If my current grades cannot get me into Ateneo, I fear that it wont get me into anywhere. If I don't get accepted into any university, my only choice is to come back. Not one bit of me wants to come back here.

I exhausted all my mental resources last time I applied. I used all I could on the required essay. The exam, I got lucky. Im afraid I wont be as lucky as I was last time.

If I don't get admitted into Ateneo, I'm trying to get admitted into La Salle. La Salle isn't a bad school, but everything other than Ateneo right now seems to be only second best to me. Its not that I don't think is a fantastic school, but after exhausting my blood, sweat and tears into Ateneo the last time, I don't think anything else will seem up to par.

This move was intended to be for my benefit, but I don't see its rewards. My grades are going down, and its not because I'm not trying, its because I can't work with this system. I strongly believe that the education I had back home was the one wherein I can succeed, but now that it was taken away from me, I fear that I can never get that back.

3 months down, 1 to go.

I find it quite surprising how just a single thought can linger in the back of one's mind for 3 months. This thought's birth was the day of my departure from the Philippine islands. These 3 months have been the longest 3 months of my life. The weeks are passing quicker than they were before, but its still not quick enough.

I have 1 month left to spend here and it has already been 3 months too long. All my feelings can be summed up in 5 words, "I WANT TO GO HOME!". Its as simple as that. I'm not meant to be here. I may have said this before, but it has been going off in my head for 3 months. if you dont want to read it anymore, then this is the place to stop.

First off, im doing poorly in school. Its not because i choose to, its because its not working out for me here. Not a single damn bit. Isn't university supposed to be the place where people should be there best? shouldn't a school fit the student just as much as the student fits the school? not here. not in brock. not for me. The way the universities work here doesn't work for me. I know i'd do so much better in a system that is familiar to me. I may be applying back to a school back home, but the grades i have to show for here, it seems it'll be too late for any form of salvation for me.

second, i am pretty sure i am a social outcast here. I dont want to be here, so i put in a lot of effort to keep in contact with the people at home. People here are okay.. but i can't be myself around some people here. that doesn't help me grow. that restricts me. and i am not willing to change the way i am just to fit in with the people here. if they are willing to change themselves to fit in, then let them lie to themselves. It seems that there are quite a few people who do so anyways. I refuse to compromise myself for friendship.

Third, i just hate it here. Its not home. Its not worth it. its as simple as that.

simply titled.. FML!!

i had 3 interesting conversations today.. One with Miguel Sioco who is a really good friend of mine who moved to the USA after high school. Another with Cezanne Villafuerte a good old friend of mine. And another with Michael Smith, a friend who moved here for university as well.
i've been talking to miguel a lot lately and we've been sharing our thoughts and feelings of leaving home and to cut things short, we hate it more than anything. When i talked to Cez, i just remembered home so much.. i was going through all my memories and faces of all my friends back at home. With mike, we talked about moving to another school. i told him that, and i quote myself, "i dont care where i graduate anymore, as long as i do".
right now.. i know care about a lot of things anymore.. I mean, im here pretty much against my will. Going to class is just something i do so i wont feel like an ass when i take the exam. I dont do it because its my future, or because i want to learn. I just pretty much dont give a rat's ass about this anymore. class is what i now like to think of as a formality.
i'm hating every single damn moment i spend here! im seriously rotting in front of my computer. After class, back to the room. on the weekends, i stay in the room. I dont want to go out and mingle. i dont want to go out and party and get myself drunk. I stay in front of this computer of mine to keep in touch with the people at home. even if its 3am there, i wait. nothing here motivates me to do anything. YES, i am being antisocial! i like being antisocial here! its worth more than anything else i do here. i just really couldn't care less about this hell hole. the only place i wanna get to is OUT! crying is now a norm for me. my tears are of depression as well as anger. i haven't been unhappier than i am now. the worst thing is, i can't do anything about it. i am pretty much stuck in this rut of trash for a long time. all i can say is.. oh well.. f*ck it.
need i say more?

The "What Ifs" and "Would Haves"

OK.. yes.. still homesick.. eff that.. can't get over that! it'll be wrong to try to fight it, but its wrong to let it control me. I dont know what to do with all this shit thrown at me.

As you can see from the title of this entry, I am still thinking "what if?" or "this is how it would've been". Lets start with my main regret. Ateneo.. I really wanted to go to that school. Some may think I only wanted to go there only to be with Paula. Well, you're wrong. I showed interest in transferring to that school even before we became a couple. Going to the same school as here would be a major perk. It would be more than awesome! but what attracted me to ateneo was the tradition, spirit and pride you can't get from many other schools. Not only that, I am positive the education there is above par. Now, I wonder.. WHAT IF i went there? I could be home, doing work I'd be proud of. I worked my ass to the bone to get accepted. Everything im doing here is out of formalities sake.. no heart, no mind put into my work. There is no motivation here. I cannot say I am a proud student of this university. Being here is something I have no pride in. I see the pride in other people, but i cannot feed off them.

I WOULD HAVE been proud of my school if I went to ateneo. I WOULD HAVE done my work with pride and gusto. as i said, I worked my ASS off to get into that school and I DID! taking that away from me was SHIT!! its almost like an architect lost his blueprint, like a navigator lost his map, like a parent lost his child!! something you wanted so much, something you would've loved taken away from you?

tell me honestly, how would I feel? I feel.. LOST, ROBBED, DEPRESSED and RAGED.

I'm here by Mistake!

I've been here for about a month now, and I can say its waaaay different than back home. Weather is quite the opposite, the people are differently cultured, schooling system is quite confusing and the lifestyle is just not for me.
I was told that the schooling here is better, but honestly I am not impressed. They say a person has a better future if they've studied here, that could be wrong.
In my classes, i meet a few people and get to tell them that Im from the Philippines and they're usually caught off guard when I mention that. Some say "oh thats cool", some times I get the question "why did you come all the way here?". I answer all their questions with joy, but I also got this question that really made me think hard about a lot of things.. people ask me "do they speak english there?" or.. "how come your english is so good?". As a person who came here for an education, I got quite insulted. Maybe the word Insulted isn't the right one, but can anyone think of a better word?
University is supposed to prepare you for the world, but university here prepares you for here. I was told that a university here would prepare me for international issues/events or whatever, but i was given the wrong information. I learned more about the world back in the Philippines than Im learning here so far. In one class, I am studying the effects of pollution here in Canada... what about the rest of the world? In one class, I am studying the popular culture of Canada... what about the rest of the world? It seems its the Philippines that looks at things from an international standpoint. Oh well..
I find it funny how lots of people come to this country for many different reasons, but the country doesn't know much about the rest of the world? Can someone seriously tell me why this is? I've been put here by mistake, thats all I can say.